i feel kind of uncomfortable and angry and confused

• i’ve just come back from kiev and i feel like i’ve left a limb there by accident
• i want to go home
• people love me and need me there
• i miss my sasha
• i don’t understand my supposed friend jake, he sent me a really long message but maybe he was drunk or sad or s/t
• sigh
• i wish i was complicated and extraordinary
• i wish i was special, you’re so fucking special
• nobody really needs me here, nothing would change if i didn’t turn up one day
• i disgust myself
• i’ll read this post in a few minutes and hate myself
•  
•  
• oh shut up anna

you just want somebody listening to what you say

coldplay > most things

i’ve been hormonal all day so i am feeling sad and inadequate and irritable

‘don’t wish your youth away’

what else is there to do when nothing happens during your youth?

also, i hate it when you adore EVERYTHING about a person and then you suddenly notice one tiny flaw ad you can’t unsee it, and before you know it, you notice another and another and another and you start being irritated by people you used to love unconditionally.

i’ve had a great day, honestly. i’m really enjoying this work experience although technichally, it’s very mundane. i’ve always said that my great fear is ending up in a dull office job. the idea of an office has always inspired loathing.

already i’ve realised that

• with nice people it’s not that bad
• combined with something interesting (e.g. law) it’s not that bad
• it’s not that bad

but the biggest thing i’ve realised is that there is a 99% chance that my life will be mundane. that it will be ordinary and unremarkable.

i’m not special, or different, really. i may be fairly bright and fairly talented (songwriting-wise) but i’m not a person that someone meets and thinks;

WOAH. that is a crazy, complicated, messy, wonderful, strange, beautiful, inspiring, original person.

i’m a nice person, perhaps a very nice person. and that’s good, obviously, i can get along with that. i just need to stop viewing myself as someone who is destined for greatness or whatever, because i’m so ordinary. with those people, you can just tell, like kate. 

wryer:

This is what I like to hear.

LET’S GO

i can’t stop sobbing

i don’t deserve anything

i don’t know why because i have reasons to be happy:

1. MX IS HERE
2. kate drew me johnny and chris and they are perfect
3. i had THE BEST party yesterday, honestly a brilliant night, lying in a tangle of limbs in my bed with all my favourite people including an ATTRACTIVE boy and finally realising how close i am to jake
4. alice wrote me a letter and it’s beautiful
5. i have 5 cakes and endless chocolate

reasons to be sad:

1. boys i ””””like””””” either like one of my best friends / don’t like me / are too old / are not single / are madly in love with other, better girls
2. i am not photogenic
3. i have a headache

i just want to talk to somene forever but my ””issues”” are so trivial

and pathetic

and either i feel guilty talking to my friends about them

OR my friends ignore me hurhurhur

i felt stifled

AND ALSO i am such a SHITTY songwriter, omg. i should give up and just resign myself to working in an office

my ears hurt

i want it to be yesterday forever